Middling

The fancies and reflections of a loquacious ninja

15 Biblical Ways to Get a Spouse

1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)

2) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. — Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

4) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. — Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. — Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. — Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)

7) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. — Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)

8) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. — David (1 Sam. 18:27)

9) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative though.) — Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)

10) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a year-long beauty contest. — Xerxes (Esther 2:3-4)

11) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” — Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12) Get a man drunk, send him off to war and make sure he dies, then take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four children though.) — David (2 Sam. 11)

13) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!) — Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev.)

14) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. — Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15) A wife? — Paul (1 Corinthians 7)

*   *   *   *   *

I was hoping to have a more profound “first post from the college life” (and ironically enough, I’m sharing this while home for Labor Day weekend), but my theology professor shared this list with us the other day while discussing the various ways the word “biblical” can be used (appearing in the Bible, commanded or condoned by the Bible, and so on), and it seemed worth sharing. Clearly, this list pertains mostly to men, but as my professor made very clear, íf you accept the logic implicit in this list already then there’s really no reason a woman can’t apply any of these to herself as well.

My class nearly died laughing. But who knows? You may find this list edifying, or perhaps even… applicable.

Just remember: they’re all “biblical.”

With a newfound appreciation for hermeneutics,

~ Timothy

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